Why it's OK to be Neurotic

If you have been reading my blog for some time, you'd realise that most of my posts revolve around my navigation of marriage and motherhood. So far, I think I've come across as horridly unreasonable, despite enthusiastic support from my female readers, who I suppose are equally unreasonable. :)

Happily, today I found that there is basis in my demand for husbands everywhere to treat their wives like queens and to lie through their teeth if it makes these precious ladies happy. Featured on IslamOnline this week, is one poor husband's plea :

I love my wife so much and she loves me, but she always accuses me of not expressing my love to her, and of being practical more than necessary while she is so romantic. She has been repeating such words so many times that I have grown to hate myself recently, though I do my best to ensure happiness for her and for my home. What shall I do?

If the man had expected the mufti to be on his side and agree that his wife is a neurotic banshee, then he would have been utterly dissapointed :

As a Muslim husband, you should know that women tend to be more romantic than men. They like to hear tender words, to be praised, to feel that they are being cared for, to be the main concern of their husbands and the one to whom he directs his ardent love. You love your wife and your heart is full of love for her, but she does not hear anything of it. You begrudge the tender words she needs and the praise she deserves.

She deserves that you listen to her, praise her, and sympathize with her when she is troubled. She really needs this. She cannot ask anyone else for such things; she is a good believer and a sincere wife who can never ask another man for such emotions. Do you like her to be miserable? Do you accept that she suffers thirst although water is near but you keep it from her? You should know that her need for compliments and tender words is as real as her need for sustenance, clothing, and other things that you believe to be the source of happiness. Read more

The answer included several hadith, including one in which the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) called upon men to "be lenient towards glass vessels, that is women". One was specific to the husband's question :

Once, the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) was sitting with one of his Companions when another man passed by them. The man who was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “I love this man (for Allah’s sake).” The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Have you told him?” The man replied in the negative. So the Prophet said, “Go and tell him.” Thereupon, the man stood up and said to the other man, “I love you for Allah’s sake.” The other replied, “May Allah, for Whose sake you love me, love you.” (Reported by Ahmad)

Based upon these, the muftis concluded their answer :

So what do you think of your most intimate companion, your permanent neighbor, your other half, your wife that you have chosen from among all other women? It does not take much effort on your part to learn to say “I love you” every day, to take her a small gift now and then, to phone her from work just to say “I love you,” to take her out alone now and then even if only for a walk, or in other ways to show your affection. Such small steps can go a long way to making her happy and strengthening your marriage.

I also found out something else. Say your wife has put on weight (in all probability this is a safe assumption), and you think her rear end needs its own hazard lights. One morning she asks you (in all probability this is a safe assumption) if the skirt she's wearing makes her look fat. Saying yes is not only suicidal and paves the way to celibacy, it is also not enjoined, according to hadith.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said: “Lying can be permissible in three cases: war (for deceiving the enemy), reconciliation between disputing people, and the compliments between husband and wife.”

Ah, that puts a smile on my face. Don't you think it's wonderful what you can learn if you don't fear the wisdom?

mokciknab muttered at 9:21 am ~ ~